"Who'll teach me drama? Who'll be my acting coach? I love the theatre! I'm Doctor Kildare." - John Flansburgh

The Actor: You see, there's not enough passion in life here at Hopkins. My friends and I, all sitting around the lunch table the other day (we sit in the back, you know, we're the hip kids with the really trendy clothes) and I, being the profound self-proclaimed leader of our group, announce that I got the lead part in the spring musical (I love to sing and dance. It is an expression of not only who I am, but what my feelings say). So, my closest friend in the world, Jules, says to me, "Hey, Marlowe (Marlowe is my screen name. I make people call me Marlowe, so they'll be used to it when I direct and star in this screenplay I'm writing entitled "Angst and Life: One Poor Soul's Perspective"), that's really great!" But does he really think this? No. Jules, my best friend, is really jealous of my immense talent. You see, he wanted this role. But he doesn't have enough passion. See, he can act, but he can't perform. He's what's wrong with Hopkins students. Everything all rolled up into one flamboyantly happy, fake man. He's not even clever enough to become one of those exceptionally witty Buttered Niblets. Do I tell him this? Not to his face. See, he is my best friend. I've got lots of friends. And they know that I'm a creative genius. Unfortunately, they all think they are geniuses too. They are sorry saps in the cascading piwheel of life's cruel folly (See! I told you I was profound!!).

"Every jumble pile of person has a thinking part that wonders what the part that isn't thinking isn't thinking of." - John Linnell

The Philosophy Major: What is it which compels humans to greatness? As people, that is, the definitive union of both mind and body, we strive for greatness. Last night, as I drifted between the two planes of sleep and wakefulness, also known as the realm of semiconsciousness, I spent literally hours thinking of what that word means. Greatness. What makes a person actually great? We can start by determining what makes a person the antithesis of greatness, that is, worthlessness. Many of you would agree with me when I say that 85% of the student body here is worthless, or so you think. But I present myself with a classic dilemma which has haunted me for ages: does a worthless person know he or she is worthless? You may say, "Yes, how can he or she not?" But, Lo!, what we have here is the problem that if he or she knew that he or she was worthless, he or she would inevitably have to kill him or herself because of the reality of their miserable existence. My solution is to somehow let them know, and eventually the worthless people will erraticate themselves, and we can all enlighten ourselves and aspire for greatness, free from their worthless influence.

"All march together, everybody looks the same...so there is no one we can blame..." - Phil Ochs

The ROTC Specimen: Yeh, it has been a rough day for me and the rest of the boys. So, yeh, like, after we wake up at 5:45AM for PR, and Sarge makes Joey and me do, like, 300 pushups, I can say we're beat. See, the U.S. Army is all about loyalty. No, loyalty and honor. This is alot to deal with, but it's all good because lucky for us, they tell us what to think. So we don't actually have to have beliefs or our own views. When Bobby, my partner for drill complained once about the rigorous workout we must endure - wellm let me tell you this - the colonel is a big man, and we don't get no lip from Bobby anymore. Yeh, so, I'm out in the hallway, polishing my combat boots, and some smart aleck comes up to me and asks me what I'm gettin' ready for. And I say, we, as a collective unit of ROTC boys, always have to be ready. So, I don't actually care if there is or there is not a war happening or what have you. I'll continue to practice twirling my wooden rifle until they tell us not to again. Yeh, unity, conformity, loyalty, honor (to your brother and your country) and protocol; the five pieces of the army puzzle. It's really great to be in a group. ROTC doesn't make sense, you say? Well to you I say that you are misguided. They, at the top, got reasons. And someday, They might even tell us. But maybe not, after all, it is classified ROTC information, and you just gotta respect that and obey your commanding officer.

"I'm talking to Jesus and singin' him this song!! And I'm praying to Jesus, all night long!" - Popular Catholic Folk Tune

The Southerner, the Jock and the Pretentious Idiot with the brain of a mentally stunted weasel:

(Author's note: in this imaginary scene, we see the above personalities, named Jimmy, Jon and Nick, respectively at a table together at dinner. The scene is imaginary, for these personalities cannot mutually coexist.)

Jimmy: So, guys, didn't see y'all at church this morning.
Jon: Shut up, you. I'm gonna smoke some weed.
Nick: Weed? Hey, didja ever read Descartes? Man, he's good.
Jimmy: Did he write about Jesus?
Nick: I'm not sure. I just mentioned his name so I would appear intelligent. Did I pronounce it right?
Jon: I don't care.
Nick (hurling book across table): Whoa!! I just dropped my POETRY BOOK!! do you think you can pick up my POETRY BOOK for me? I really like poetry.
Jon: I'm going to bust your ass if you don't shut up.
Jimmy: Yee-HAW!!
Jon: Shut up, you.

"I don't want to live in this world anymore." -John Linnell

Band of Sewage: A Mini-adventure: Starring: the Drunk, the Habitual Liar/Player, the Sociopath and the Cutthroat.

One day, while a Liar entertained some women who were captivated by his tales of sexual prowess, a Drunk stumbled in on the conversation with his quote-unquote friends, a Sociopath and a Cut Throat. It was ten in the evening, and there was a huge mid term the next day in one of their mutual classes. The Cut Throat has obtained a copy of this test and distributes it amongst the group. They discuss their plans for the night and go their separate ways.

The Drunk: Went to a frat party and was carried home with an estimated BAC of .35%. Got enough studying done before hand to answer two of the questions on the stolen copy of his test. Failed the test and started drinking the next day at eleven in the morning. Justifies his behavior by declaring that death is the only escape from life and life's misery, and that alcohol brings him closer to death and is a convenient escape.

The Liar/Player: Studied minimally as well and then went to a frat party and picked up some drunk girl from a group that he and is friends call "The Ring of Interchangable Whores". Told the girl she was special. Spent the night with her. Told all of his friends how she was begging for more, although she was unconscious through most of the night. Failed the test the next day. Told all of his friends that he did great, because he's so smart.

The Cut Throat: Laughs to himself for creating a false test so all the others will fail. Studies all the material in the chapters for the book many times and does extensive work for the exam. At 3am, answers his door, which had been knocked on.

The Sociopath: Spends a few hours throwing his chair around in the hallway until it finally breaks. Tries to use it after it has broken. Fails. Scares his roommate a bunch. Says to himself "I need a place to sit. Word." Finds his bed and looks at the copy of the test which he threw on it a few hours ago. Looks at it suspiciously. Gets up and walks through the dorms chanting "Stoo-pid, Stoo-pid, STOO-Pid." Finds the Cut Throat alone in his room and kills him.

The Audience: Applauds loudly at all the funny jokes and makes rude noises when the Liar/Player picks up his interchangable whore. Does not realize, that more than 85% of its members are utterly and incredibly worthless.